Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
