If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have already put on my inside pants.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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