so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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