She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
