This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize