Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Someone came in the potted fern
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
