I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
