I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
