God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
