When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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