Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
