when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
