The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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