At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
