I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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