We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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