is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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