Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
