we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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