I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
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I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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