My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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