i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you are never too drunk for berry picking
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
