its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
