At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
