just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
