the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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