Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
