she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
