I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
