all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
