just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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