You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
