everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
