Please, let me fuck your mom
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
