...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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