im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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