you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
