im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
