ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
