after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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