Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.