party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck