Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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