You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
