I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
