I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
