A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
