somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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