I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
