I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
