Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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