my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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