Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
