You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
