47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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