Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
