Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
