I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.