Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
