I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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